When time stands still and goes so fast all at once. When you feel an inner calm but the world seems to spin all around you. When you’re excited, and scared, eager yet apprehensive, ready to jump but nervous to take the first step; this is what it feels like to move cross country. This isn’t new to me, although each time I’ve done it has held something so different. And while I’m moving back to my home state, the moving and shaking that comes along with it, it’s as present as ever.
When I moved to Boston, I knew nobody. I took a leap of faith in following a dream, one that had called to me for years. I thought I had everything to lose, in retrospect I had everything to gain. Home would always be there, whatever “home” means. I went on blind faith and a deep knowing that this city held something special for me. I spent a year learning but yearning for home, only to move back a year later for what I can only explain as what I thought I “should” be doing. In moving back, I believed I would end up in Seattle, and it would guarantee a future surrounded by family and friends. Little did I know my heart knew better.
Just weeks after I moved back to Seattle, my mind was consumed with anxiety, my heart with unease. I knew I was not meant to be in Seattle at that time, and I could not control where I’m meant to be or may end up. When I finally listened to my heart and realized I’d be moving back to Boston, my 3rd cross country move was met with less resistance. I accepted that perhaps the future was not in my hands, and I would instead focus on making the most of my time. Right here, right now, because after all, that’s all we really have isn’t it? And let me tell you, that shift was everything.
Five years later, I have missed more than I would have ever hoped in Seattle, but in turn I’ve gained more than I could have ever imagined. I’ve found myself, met life long friends, and realized what it means to finally be, well, me. No more hiding or pretending, perfecting or pleasing. I’ve found passion and love, boundaries and balance. I’ve tried so many news things and met so many new people. It’s given me memories to last a lifetime, an a foundation on which I hope to the continue to build the rest of my life. That of authenticity, integrity, and independence. That of truth, and a pure joy that can only be felt when I’m in alignment with myself. It’s been wonderful and as I sit here on the brink or another move, it’s hard to believe that my heart has landed back in Seattle, even after all these years.
Only when I finally let go of the attachment to feeling like I had to live in Seattle, did my heart soften into the reality that perhaps I would find home there again one day. Slowly, but surely, a little voice inside of my started dreaming up a new idea of life in the corners of my own hometown. Months later, a job opportunity I could have only dreamed up arose and now here I am, moving back in just few days. It still feels a bit surreal, but I could not be more excited. Until we’re on the other side…