I never knew a time without my siblings. I was a soccer player by the time I could walk, a Lancer by the time I could talk. I was always seen as a younger sibling, a part of the crew, the youngest born. And honestly, I’m proud of it. I’m proud to be the last of four, to be following in the footsteps of two incredible men and one incredible woman. We were close, and we were loved. I always knew I was protected by them, and when I was asked if I was a part of the family name, I never doubted that it was a good thing. There was a path laid out for me, ready to be walked with little strife. I knew the direction to go, the path to follow, the person to be.
However, there came a time when I didn’t realize what made me me. I had become so intwined in who I was supposed to be, that the line between who I was and the role I played was so blurred. I did not know if my desires were my own, or trying to be like my siblings. And I felt guilty for doing something that felt against the grain. When I moved to Boston, it was the biggest risk I have taken thus far in my life. One that to this day continues to be one of the hardest challenges yet biggest blessing I have received.
See, when I moved out here at the age of 24, I was lost. I didn’t know who I was or what I believed anymore. I was broken and lonely, and trying to find my ground. Moving 3000 miles away from those who knew me was both the craziest thing I have ever done, and exactly what I needed. Only in complete silence did I finally start to hear my voice. Only then, did I come to know who I was underneath it all. As I came to know myself again, and show up in the world in new ways, I found a new side of me. One that was not quiet but loud, one who spoke her truth and paved her own way. But one who came to know and love her family in a whole new light. One who felt a constant tear between two world, the one she once knew back home and the one in which I now occupy.
As the youngest, and in family who all stayed close to home, or rather ended close to home, I struggle with being away. Although I feel this path has called me, and continues to challenge me in ways I know to be true, it’s tough to know the sacrifices I have made. While my siblings all start to raise families of their own, I am not there yet and I can’t help but feel I am missing out. I am not sure my kids will ever grow up with their cousins, having gone my own way. In a weird way, amidst all the joy here, there is a grieving of the life I once envisioned and wanted for myself.
Yet, there are opportunities here and far away that hold their own beauty. Trips with so much quality time, the possibility of cousin trips down the road, facetime dates and the ability to help the littles growing up know that there is more than one way to do life. It’d be easy to think I’m doing life wrong a the youngest straying from the only path I saw before me, but I’m choosing to believe in the beauty of my own path and I hope you do to. Above all, I hope you choose joy, and follow joy, and cherish all life gives you close and far.
A favorite quote of mine from the Alchemist states, “The secret of happiness is to see all the marvels of the world, and never to forget the drops of oil the spoon.” As I discover new marvels on this path of mine, I am constantly amazed at the blessings life brings me. But never do I forgot the drops on the spoon, those back home who helps shape everything I am, as I continue this journey ❤️