I posted the following a few weeks back. I wavered back and forth for a long time before I finally hit post.
Warning, this post contains talk of death. But it also tells a story of joy.
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Working in oncology, I have seen more death than I would like to admit. It’s a thing we rarely speak of, a thing we fear, a thing we avoid so deeply until it’s right in front of our face
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Although I have been lucky to not lose many close to me in my personal life, I am all too familiar with death. We become so intimate with it at times, we become numb. Until one day you are on the couch with tears running down your face and you realize death still affects us all
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The thing is, when you see these kids fight, see their families endure with such strength, it doesn’t matter how close you were, it is sure to break you heart. These kids change you, their light is what helps us to live a little more fully
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It never gets easier, you just get stronger. That’s the thing about nursing, you give your heart over and over again, broken or not, only to get up and go back again. Eight years in, I continue to meet warriors day after day, facing big battles with even bigger smiles. I see parents keeping it together when their world is crumbling. I see coworkers showing up to give themselves even when their own hearts are breaking. I see suffering, I see grief, but above all, I see love and I see joy
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I see joy in all the little moments, in the life we do have, and the time we do get. I have learned to find joy even amidst tragedy, as others have taught me to do so. I have learned to love in joy and in pain. My hope is that we all learn from these warriors, so that we all live our life a little more fully, and with a little more love
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To my work family, my friends, my patients, and all those who have been a part of this journey, thank you for being you. Thank you for allowing me in, for teaching me, for strengthening me, for making my life so bright
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Grief is a price we pay for love. And while life may end, often far too soon, love doesn’t. Love never ends, and for that, I am grateful
I got plenty of likes and comments after posting the above, but also a few check ins from dear friends. Asking how I was, seeing if I’m okay. With each ask I felt awkward, defensive, unsure. I wavered for a bit about taking it down, I felt so vulnerable having it out there. It wasn’t until I had a few new friends requests that I deleted because I didn’t want that to be the first thing they saw on my feed. My desire to keep up a persona of some sort won over when I hit delete in an instant. It wasn’t until the next day I started to feel anxious about it, the fact that I am hiding my truth.
Let me say I know how stupid this all sounds, but in a social media driven world this is our reality. We show parts of ourselves online, but not the true parts. We show the good sides, and when we do reveal ourselves we withdraw or deflect. We spend so much time watching other’s lives online, we compare our own lives to this facade and before we know it we are stuck in a spiral of comparison and doubt. Before we know it, what is real, and what is a facade, it all grouped into one. The values we are living into, are so intwined with those we see online we may even begin to forget what truly matters. The older I get, the more I realize how dangerous the persona we put out there, particularly for those prone to perfectionism, really is.
If you ask me why our emergency departments are full of youth contemplating taking their own life, I point to this. As a 30 year old woman, even I get caught up in this game. There is no way for our youth to regulate their lives, their mind, in this trap of sorts. We have to do better. Our kids, our future, depends on it.